There has got to be something seriously wrong with me! I am obsessed with fictional characters from tv shows! I'm sure I'm not the only one and all...but there has got to be some line! To be honest I can't even count or recall all the loves of my life. My newest one though is Colby Granger from Numbers. HOT, MUSCULAR FBI man who you come to realize is also a super sweet and yet mysterious guy. The kind of guy you would love to take home to your mother...and all your friends (ummmm ya...to make them jealous of course). Oh and did I mention that he used to be a soldier and he has those sexy issues that help make him so mysterious? Well in the season 3 finale you find out he is actually a double agent who is working for the Chinese. I seriously almost started crying! I am so obsessed that my heart was literally broken! I don't yet have the internet at my new place so I jumped in the shower right then and rushed over to my parents house to look him up. I have barely said two words to my parents and haven't even glanced at the brownies that I can smell downstairs. This is huge for me seeing as how dairy, sugar, and meat are the only food groups that exist to me. Anyways, when I found out he was a double agent I convinced myself that they were wrong. I knew he had to actually be a triple agent employed by the CIA or NSA against the Chinese. I had to be right! Turns out...I totally am! I can breathe once again...now that my lungs are no longer being crushed by the pressure of my heart bursting over and over again! So, now I am off to Lethbridge to get season 4 so I can watch my new boyfriend some more.
Wow, I have got to get a man!!!
Love love
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Confirmed Expectations
When my brother first started dating his now fiance I knew he would marry her. She is so cute and sweet and he has been so picky that he hasn't really dated. I knew that the next one he dated would be "the one" (just a note: I don't actually believe in "the one"). Obviously this was confirmed when they got engaged. I was so happy for them! I love my little brother so much and he loves her so much, so there was no way I couldn't be happy for them. They have found each other and they make each other happy. I believe they build each other up and both try to be a better person for the other one. They make each other laugh, and this makes everyone laugh. Despite seeing all this and knowing all this I still had a small sense of dread. The time had come yet again to be in the "single spotlight."
At some of my siblings weddings I was not even of age to get married and yet people still made the "so when is it your turn" jokes. This only got worse as I got older. I have delivered wedding invitations at every wedding and everytime I do they look at me and ask if they are for me, if I am finally getting married. Bahahaha! Man, could they ever be wrong!
Anyways, today I took a small stack of invitations to family friends. As expected I got all the same comments. Ahhhh...this is my least favorite thing about coming from a small town. Everyone knows everything about you...or at least they think they do. It is so annoying! Don't get me wrong, I love where I come from. I hope that if I ever have kids I can raise them in a town just like mine. It's just annoying sometimes.
So far, my expectations have been confirmed and I expect that at the wedding I will only be more in the spotlight. Oh, and I'm the only single one left in my family! It's gonna be great and I can't wait! Bahahaha!
If I ever get married I expect that all my siblings will be as helpful to me as I was to them. Lol...that is meant to just be picking fun at them (I have never really thought that I do much for my family)! Don't worry guys because I don't plan on actually gettting married. Between my work and all my vacations I just don't think there will be anytime!
But, Jordan and Mandi I love you guys! I am so excited that you have found each other and that you are making an eternal commitment to each other. This is one of the most amazing things anyone can do. You are both so wonderful! Oh, and thank you...now I have an excuse to get a new dress! Love ya!
Love love
At some of my siblings weddings I was not even of age to get married and yet people still made the "so when is it your turn" jokes. This only got worse as I got older. I have delivered wedding invitations at every wedding and everytime I do they look at me and ask if they are for me, if I am finally getting married. Bahahaha! Man, could they ever be wrong!
Anyways, today I took a small stack of invitations to family friends. As expected I got all the same comments. Ahhhh...this is my least favorite thing about coming from a small town. Everyone knows everything about you...or at least they think they do. It is so annoying! Don't get me wrong, I love where I come from. I hope that if I ever have kids I can raise them in a town just like mine. It's just annoying sometimes.
So far, my expectations have been confirmed and I expect that at the wedding I will only be more in the spotlight. Oh, and I'm the only single one left in my family! It's gonna be great and I can't wait! Bahahaha!
If I ever get married I expect that all my siblings will be as helpful to me as I was to them. Lol...that is meant to just be picking fun at them (I have never really thought that I do much for my family)! Don't worry guys because I don't plan on actually gettting married. Between my work and all my vacations I just don't think there will be anytime!
But, Jordan and Mandi I love you guys! I am so excited that you have found each other and that you are making an eternal commitment to each other. This is one of the most amazing things anyone can do. You are both so wonderful! Oh, and thank you...now I have an excuse to get a new dress! Love ya!
Love love
Thursday, September 30, 2010
This is so Totally Cheesy!
Ok, so I was having this bad night quite awhile ago and was thinking a lot about my kids and how I didn't want them to go through some of the same emotions I have. By my kids I mean my nieces and my nephews. They are the most important people/things in my life and I think about them a lot. I wrote them this little note with no intention of ever showing them, but for some reason I want to share it with everyone else? Don't ask because I have no reason why.
To all who read this: don’t ever take anything for granted! I cannot stress to you how important this is. If I could take each one of you aside and teach you one lesson it would be what I have stated. I want you to understand that everything can be taken from you in a heartbeat. I want you to love God with all your heart and I want you to find your strength.
As I write this I am sitting in a room by myself with tears streaming down my face. I have taken so much for granted and I wish that I had learned this lesson much earlier in life. There is so much power in life, in our physical makeup and in our souls. There is so much majesty in God’s creations. There is no feeling equal to standing at the top of a mountain looking down upon a white paradise and seeing the hand of God in the beauty of every tree and slope and white flake. I love waking up in the morning and knowing that I am going to have the energy and strength and health to make it through the day.
If I could do all my days over again I would spend less time worrying about myself and more time enjoying life. Pain and heartbreak come, but I say bring them on. Feeling means knowing that you are alive! Instead of regretting the choices I made that led to my heartbreak I would be grateful that I was able to feel that. Pain teaches us lessons. It defines the corners of our rough, dull souls and smoothes and polishes them into a precious stone. Pain makes us who we are and we have the choice to become bitter and close ourselves off to the world or to grow and strengthen our character. If we choose the latter then we will still feel pain, but we also open ourselves up to everlasting joy.
Enjoy the sounds and the smells that surround you. One day these simple things may be taken away from you and you never know how much you will miss them. Every day we go through life oblivious to the small and tender mercies given by God. I think that is why I love the smell of rain. I feel like God is washing the earth and the scent that accompanies a fresh rain is the smell of that cleansing. By doing this God is letting us know that he is here. If I could do it over again I would take the time to enjoy the splendor of all nature instead of just waiting for the rain.
Enjoy being tired. I don’t sleep; mostly because I spend my nights thinking about things that I cannot change. I think about you. I think about how much I love you. You are my entire world. I think about my mistakes and my accomplishments. I used to get so angry because I would wake up so tired and worn out. I am coming to realize that now is the time to enjoy every moment that I have. There will be plenty of time to sleep. Life is so short and there is so much to accomplish.
I cannot look back and say that my life to this point has been a great success, but I can look back and say that I have loved the best I could. Kids, do not judge because if you do then you are going to miss out on some great friends. I know! I almost missed out on the best friend I ever had. Be open and tolerant to everyone. I have found that the key to this is to love God. We all have a gift that we were given when we left the presence of our Heavenly Father. He blessed us with the ability to be like Him. If we truly understand this then we know that we can love like God. His love is eternal, all encompassing, freely available, unconditional, and deep. God does not recognize race or gender; all He sees is the soul that He created. Oh my kids, if you love God you will strengthen your relationship with Him. In so doing you will become closer to Him and can become more like Him. Then you can love like Him. I need to tell you that you cannot measure the greatness of your life by how well you were loved but by how well you loved others (I read that somewhere and really liked it). Give all you have to those you love and to those who need your love. Lose yourselves. Lose yourselves in love and service to others.
It takes strength to cast aside our own fears in order to help others. It needs to be done though. Life is hard and it’s so easy to get caught up in it. It’s easy to look at ourselves and say it’s not fair, but things can always be worse. Turn to those who need you and you will see what I mean. You will have struggles, but embrace them. Take everything that life hands you, smile and laugh, and throw it right back.
There are always going to be forces working against you. Learn now and learn young how to overcome them. They are never going to stop, so get a head start. You will learn about people in life who changed the world. Become like them and be strong. Love yourselves and realize the great gift that lies within your soul; a fighting spirit. You are all worth all the love in the world. Embrace the greatness that was given to you.
Don’t be like me! I realized too late the worth that was given to me. I have spent too much time doubting myself. I can no longer understand why I did that. I have a soul that fights. I am full of love and strength; even if I am the only one who knows it. However, you never know the impact that you have on those around you. So, in the face of difficulty be who you were made to be. Keep moving and don’t ever find yourselves waiting for the rain.
Love love
To my Kids: Don’t Wait for the Rain
To all who read this: don’t ever take anything for granted! I cannot stress to you how important this is. If I could take each one of you aside and teach you one lesson it would be what I have stated. I want you to understand that everything can be taken from you in a heartbeat. I want you to love God with all your heart and I want you to find your strength.
As I write this I am sitting in a room by myself with tears streaming down my face. I have taken so much for granted and I wish that I had learned this lesson much earlier in life. There is so much power in life, in our physical makeup and in our souls. There is so much majesty in God’s creations. There is no feeling equal to standing at the top of a mountain looking down upon a white paradise and seeing the hand of God in the beauty of every tree and slope and white flake. I love waking up in the morning and knowing that I am going to have the energy and strength and health to make it through the day.
If I could do all my days over again I would spend less time worrying about myself and more time enjoying life. Pain and heartbreak come, but I say bring them on. Feeling means knowing that you are alive! Instead of regretting the choices I made that led to my heartbreak I would be grateful that I was able to feel that. Pain teaches us lessons. It defines the corners of our rough, dull souls and smoothes and polishes them into a precious stone. Pain makes us who we are and we have the choice to become bitter and close ourselves off to the world or to grow and strengthen our character. If we choose the latter then we will still feel pain, but we also open ourselves up to everlasting joy.
Enjoy the sounds and the smells that surround you. One day these simple things may be taken away from you and you never know how much you will miss them. Every day we go through life oblivious to the small and tender mercies given by God. I think that is why I love the smell of rain. I feel like God is washing the earth and the scent that accompanies a fresh rain is the smell of that cleansing. By doing this God is letting us know that he is here. If I could do it over again I would take the time to enjoy the splendor of all nature instead of just waiting for the rain.
Enjoy being tired. I don’t sleep; mostly because I spend my nights thinking about things that I cannot change. I think about you. I think about how much I love you. You are my entire world. I think about my mistakes and my accomplishments. I used to get so angry because I would wake up so tired and worn out. I am coming to realize that now is the time to enjoy every moment that I have. There will be plenty of time to sleep. Life is so short and there is so much to accomplish.
I cannot look back and say that my life to this point has been a great success, but I can look back and say that I have loved the best I could. Kids, do not judge because if you do then you are going to miss out on some great friends. I know! I almost missed out on the best friend I ever had. Be open and tolerant to everyone. I have found that the key to this is to love God. We all have a gift that we were given when we left the presence of our Heavenly Father. He blessed us with the ability to be like Him. If we truly understand this then we know that we can love like God. His love is eternal, all encompassing, freely available, unconditional, and deep. God does not recognize race or gender; all He sees is the soul that He created. Oh my kids, if you love God you will strengthen your relationship with Him. In so doing you will become closer to Him and can become more like Him. Then you can love like Him. I need to tell you that you cannot measure the greatness of your life by how well you were loved but by how well you loved others (I read that somewhere and really liked it). Give all you have to those you love and to those who need your love. Lose yourselves. Lose yourselves in love and service to others.
It takes strength to cast aside our own fears in order to help others. It needs to be done though. Life is hard and it’s so easy to get caught up in it. It’s easy to look at ourselves and say it’s not fair, but things can always be worse. Turn to those who need you and you will see what I mean. You will have struggles, but embrace them. Take everything that life hands you, smile and laugh, and throw it right back.
There are always going to be forces working against you. Learn now and learn young how to overcome them. They are never going to stop, so get a head start. You will learn about people in life who changed the world. Become like them and be strong. Love yourselves and realize the great gift that lies within your soul; a fighting spirit. You are all worth all the love in the world. Embrace the greatness that was given to you.
Don’t be like me! I realized too late the worth that was given to me. I have spent too much time doubting myself. I can no longer understand why I did that. I have a soul that fights. I am full of love and strength; even if I am the only one who knows it. However, you never know the impact that you have on those around you. So, in the face of difficulty be who you were made to be. Keep moving and don’t ever find yourselves waiting for the rain.
Love love
Words of Wisdom
Ok we all know this person...the guy (or girl) who is in a relationship but who is constantly flirting with anything that has breasts and wears a skirt. We all wonder what the deal with that person is and I will tell you exactly what it is. They love the attention! Obviously the relationship is not satisfying them and they don't have the guts to end it, so they just take whatever they can get outside of it.
There is a guy from work who is like this. He is super flirty with me and sometimes I think he likes me. He calls to check up on me if I don't see him for awhile and we even meet for lunch from time to time. The guy has a girlfriend!!! I realize that doesn't say much about me that I like hanging around him and getting the attention from him. I have liked him for awhile, but I would never do anything about it while he is in a relationship. I have come to the point though where the whole thing bugs me so much that I would NEVER let anything happen. Still, I am way less than impressed with myself. I hate that I allowed someone to put me in a potentially compromising positon of my integrity AND my confidence. What kind of person does that to his girlfriend first of all, and then to a friend second. Then I come to find out that I am not the only girl that he is like this with! Are you kidding me! This just repulsed me! Needless to say I don't even have the desire to be his friend anymore.
So, to anyone who is in the position where they have feelings for someone who is in a relationship but is super flirty with you I say RUN! Don't let them in. Ya you can secretly fantasize that one day they will realize how wonderful you are and that the person of their dreams has been there the whole time. Just realize that they aren't the person of your dreams! How could they be? First of all they obviously haven't yet grown any balls and are still stuck in a junior high adolescence. Second, deep down inside you kow you feel bad for his girlfriend and that the whole situation is messed up. You and her deserve better than that! Besides, if he is gonna be like that with her then he will be like that with you too. You are better thant that! The man of your dreams will have eyes only for you!
Love love
There is a guy from work who is like this. He is super flirty with me and sometimes I think he likes me. He calls to check up on me if I don't see him for awhile and we even meet for lunch from time to time. The guy has a girlfriend!!! I realize that doesn't say much about me that I like hanging around him and getting the attention from him. I have liked him for awhile, but I would never do anything about it while he is in a relationship. I have come to the point though where the whole thing bugs me so much that I would NEVER let anything happen. Still, I am way less than impressed with myself. I hate that I allowed someone to put me in a potentially compromising positon of my integrity AND my confidence. What kind of person does that to his girlfriend first of all, and then to a friend second. Then I come to find out that I am not the only girl that he is like this with! Are you kidding me! This just repulsed me! Needless to say I don't even have the desire to be his friend anymore.
So, to anyone who is in the position where they have feelings for someone who is in a relationship but is super flirty with you I say RUN! Don't let them in. Ya you can secretly fantasize that one day they will realize how wonderful you are and that the person of their dreams has been there the whole time. Just realize that they aren't the person of your dreams! How could they be? First of all they obviously haven't yet grown any balls and are still stuck in a junior high adolescence. Second, deep down inside you kow you feel bad for his girlfriend and that the whole situation is messed up. You and her deserve better than that! Besides, if he is gonna be like that with her then he will be like that with you too. You are better thant that! The man of your dreams will have eyes only for you!
Love love
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
It's official...I'm seeing things!
I have hit a whole new low with my baking. I ended up just getting a couple hours of sleep last night because I was too busy baking cinammon buns!
Whenever someone from work has a birthday or they quit I bake a special treat for them...whatever their favorite is. Well, Duane is leaving and he is one of my long time work pals (because we have both been there forever...and he's awesome), so I wanted to make him some cinammon buns. I started after work last night...around 11:30. I forgot to add the sugar to my yeast mixture but didn't figure that out till after a couple hours. I found myself at the gas station just down the street at 2am buying milk so I could start over again. I went to bed for a couple hours while they were rising and then I was up and back at it again. I let them rise a little longer than usual and they taste amazing! They literally just melt in your mouth!
Anyways, so at work today I was exhausted! I had this headache and pain behind my eyes, and I felt really lightheaded all day. Then around 6pm I was walking into the kitchen and I swore I saw someone in front of me. There was no one there!!! I had put my arms and knee up, my head down, and screamed (just a little scream). Man did I feel like an idiot when there was no one there.
Then I was bringing the bill and some mints up to one of my tables and I thought I was dropping one of the mints. I was scrambling to catch it, but when I looked they were all in my hand safe and sound. My table got a little show out of that!
So, now I am at home to have a little nap before wings tonight. I am so excited!!!
Love love
Whenever someone from work has a birthday or they quit I bake a special treat for them...whatever their favorite is. Well, Duane is leaving and he is one of my long time work pals (because we have both been there forever...and he's awesome), so I wanted to make him some cinammon buns. I started after work last night...around 11:30. I forgot to add the sugar to my yeast mixture but didn't figure that out till after a couple hours. I found myself at the gas station just down the street at 2am buying milk so I could start over again. I went to bed for a couple hours while they were rising and then I was up and back at it again. I let them rise a little longer than usual and they taste amazing! They literally just melt in your mouth!
Anyways, so at work today I was exhausted! I had this headache and pain behind my eyes, and I felt really lightheaded all day. Then around 6pm I was walking into the kitchen and I swore I saw someone in front of me. There was no one there!!! I had put my arms and knee up, my head down, and screamed (just a little scream). Man did I feel like an idiot when there was no one there.
Then I was bringing the bill and some mints up to one of my tables and I thought I was dropping one of the mints. I was scrambling to catch it, but when I looked they were all in my hand safe and sound. My table got a little show out of that!
So, now I am at home to have a little nap before wings tonight. I am so excited!!!
Love love
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I Found A Friend!
I am so excited! I have been planning this trip to South East Asia...mostly Thailand...and the girl I was going to go with decided she can't go anymore. So, I was set to go all by myself. Now I don't have to. Another friend of mine is super excited about it and has said that she will for sure go with me!!! I can't wait! We are going for May and June and are flying into Bali. From there we will go to a few other islands in Indonesia and then off to Malaysia, then Cambodia, and finally Thailand! While in Thailand we will be staying in a couple monasteries. I would really like to stay in a Mahayana one and a Theravada one. We will see how it goes. I have one lined up already that is an all female one, but I would really like to get every experience possible and stay in a coed one too. It's gonna be great...up at 5am for meditation and yoga. No, seriously it is gonna be great! I have been wanting to do this for years and I am so excited that it is finally going to happen. I wish I could stay there and not come back, but school comes first. Once I am done though I would love to buy a house in Bali and then I can go whenever I want and tour some more. We will see how that goes cause I also want to buy a cabin at echo and a house in Greece. Plus, my friend that is coming with me wants us to go to South America the next year. She thinks it would be awesome to have a place down there too. You never know...maybe I will stay single and just work and work most of the year so that I can buy houses all over the world and vacation for a month or two. Hey, a girl can dream can't she!!!
P.S. You are all welcome to stay in any of my properties at any time.
Love love
P.S. You are all welcome to stay in any of my properties at any time.
Love love
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Why My Tummy Is Soooo Big
I think I gained 30 pounds today! Not really, obviously, but I sure feel like it. Let me give you a little overview of my day today so you understand. First you have to know that yesterday I was REALLY tired! I didn't sleep much on Sunday night...as you may tell from my blog that night. I think I got 2 1/2 hours...tops. I had to work at the hospital at 7am, which means that I have to be up 5 am if I wanna do my yoga. Needless to say I turned my snooze on until 6 am. I worked till 3 pm and then it was off to the restaurant. I start there at 4, so I got there around 3:30 and had something to eat. Then I started work and left there around 10:30. I was exhausted. I had just done an almost 16 hour day on hardly any sleep. I do a lot of days like that, but I usually have a little more sleep than that. Plus, I have been sick for a week and a half now so that didn't make it any better. So, by the time I got home I was overtired and couldn't sleep till just after 1 am. Now it is on to my actual day today.
My tasty cinammon buns and my kitchenaid...where all the magic is performed (I know the picture is sideways but I couldn't figure out how to turn it after I uploaded it and I couldn't delete it either to turn it first and then upload it again). I actually think my recipe book is open to the cookie dough brownie recipe I was going to make for breakfast the other day...alas I couldn't because I was out of M&Ms. My kitchenaid is one of my prized possessions. It is a 5 QT pro series with 10 speed control in licorice black. I'm one of those weird girls who get super excited about kitchen appliances. I love my kettle too...one of my favorite birthday presents (ya it is what I asked for).
Today I woke up at 11:25. Guess what time I had to work this morning. 11:00. So, I hopped in the shower, combed my hair and brushed my teeth. I was out the door at 11:40...without having anything to eat. Work was busy so I couldn't snack on anything. I finally got around to eating at 3:30. I was so starving by this time that I decided to order something super unhealthy and amazingly delicious! I put my order in for chicken parm (which I have commented on several times that it is the size of my head) with a side of radiatore alfredo and vegetables. When this thing came out it was HUGE! I totally porked on it. Oh the rich, creamy goodness that I could feel expanding my stomach with every bite. I worked for a few more hours and then met up with my roommate and a very good (also shockingly beautiful and teeny tiny) friend...for dinner! I wasn't very hungry and was feeling slightly bloated so I just helped out with the lemon pepper calamari and bread, and then I only ordered an 8 oz tenderloin. This tenderloin, though slightly overcooked, was so tender I could cut it with my fork. It was topped with a gooseberry demi glaze and was served with butter smooth mashed potatoes, carrots and green beans. Heaven! How could I possibly not eat the whole thing?! And, afterwards, how could I possibly not order pistachio gelato? My stomach has never been so satiated and yet so annoyed with me. It is screaming at me to go for a jog or something.
I have to admit that this whole overeating scenario is not a new thing for me. It's hard when you super love food, work in a restaurant that has amazing food, and know the hidden gems of Lethbridge. Yes, believe it or not but Lethbridge has some very different and wonderfully tasty places to eat...you just have to have the in. Oh ya, and I love to bake. I could honestly do it all day. There is something to be said about that whole thing regarding finding something you like to do and turning it into a career. If I could open up a bakery and actually make money at it I would be so happy. As it is I will just have to settle for making myself, my friends, and coworkers fat. It is actually amusing when I bring my baking into the hospital because I either get smiles and "yes!" or I get rolling eyes and "Callie I hate you!"
I say these things to myself though. When I wake up in the morning and make myself some peanut butter chocolate chip cookie dough for breakfast I am saying "yay!," but then I have the day where I have a cookie breakfast followed by a cinammon bun lunch and then top it off with a butterscotch brownie supper and I say "Callie I hate you!" This kind of day also happened when I got home from my visit to Victoria and ate a whole pan of cinammon buns. My roommate and my same shockingly gorgeous friend I previously mentioned have both threatened to take my Kitchenaid away. Mostly because she dreads having to clean my roommate and I with a rag on a stick when we become so grossly obese that we cannot bathe ourselves!
My tasty cinammon buns and my kitchenaid...where all the magic is performed (I know the picture is sideways but I couldn't figure out how to turn it after I uploaded it and I couldn't delete it either to turn it first and then upload it again). I actually think my recipe book is open to the cookie dough brownie recipe I was going to make for breakfast the other day...alas I couldn't because I was out of M&Ms. My kitchenaid is one of my prized possessions. It is a 5 QT pro series with 10 speed control in licorice black. I'm one of those weird girls who get super excited about kitchen appliances. I love my kettle too...one of my favorite birthday presents (ya it is what I asked for).
Anyways, that is why my stomach is so big!
Love love
Love love
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Foreword of the Book I Will One Day Publish
K ya, so I know I just posted on here a couple hours ago. Today has been a rather trying day. Let me rephrase that...today has been a rather snotty day! I mean that literally and not in the sense of a behavior of some high and mighty. All at once the pressures of the world came crashing down and all my weaknesses, shortcomings, and flaws came stampeding to the surface. I have been laying (lying?...Jenna) in my bed for hours now trying to fall asleep so that I may enter into some sort of peace of mind. Now, I do not have the gift of writing that my darling, amazing, and beloved sister has, but I do find it therapeutic to sit down and write when thoughts are racing through my head.
So, in my therapy session tonight I am going way back into my past to bring to light some fun memories and some sad that I feel have contributed to making me the person I am today.
I was born the 4th of 6 children. I have 2 older sisters, 1 older brother, and 2 younger brothers. My oldest sister is 8 years my senior and my other sister is 4 years my senior. My brothers and I are all very close in age, and growing up they were my best friends. My sisters loved me, but let's face it, I was just a snot nosed, whiney little sister who more than likely wrecked all their treasures. The result from this lack of female companionship and primary male companionship resulted in an uncanny ability to make friends with the opposite sex. Thus, my first childhood friends, outside of my brothers and their friends, were boys. There were 2 boys in particular that I was very close with. One of those boys was Clayton.
This is my story with Clayton: We first met in kindergarten. I will be truly honest and admit that he was also my first schoolgirl crush. Clayton and I and our other companion used to get into all sorts of trouble. I never got punished for it though...perhaps it was my doey eyes and winning charm, or simply the fact that I was a girl and it was much easier to punish the boys. Either way those boys got the worst of it. I would get sent to my desk while they would get booted into the corner or pulled down the hall by their ears. Hoagie Day seemed to be the worst! Anyways, we were very close and even after I started getting some girl friends around grades 2 and 3 we remained inseparable.
On September 7, 1992 we returned home late from a trip to my grandma's house. It seemed that the moment we walked in the door the phone rang and my mom went to get it. Now, my usual custom on returning from my grandma's was to put my knees on one set of stairs and my chin on another set and fall asleep. On this night though I was somehow awake and went up to my room and put on my nightgown. As I was just about dressed for my bed my mom came in the room and said that it was my "aunt Bev" who had called. She then proceeded to tell me that Clayton had been killed in a hunting accident. I don't remember a whole lot that night other than balling into my mother's shoulder. Clayton would have turned 10 in three days. His birthday present was to be a new pair of cowboy boots. He still got the boots but they were instead used as vases on top of his casket.
At this point you may be wondering how this is therapeutic. This is how: I was 9 years old at the time and my best friend had just been killed in a very tragic accident. The experiences of the young are carried with them forever and help form who they will become. This particular experience had a tremendous effect on an already overlysensitive child. To this day this incident brings tears to my eyes and snot to my nose. If only you could see me right now! Also, I learned the gift of life at a young age and how fragile it is. I was left with this idea that we need to be good to everyone becuase who knows what will happen to us or to them tomorrow. I feel much deeper than I believe I would have, but I also have a deep sense of a life beyond this one. The idea of a life beyond this one has always frightened me to the point that I have tried extra hard to make sure I didn't end up in a hot, fiery, dungeon somewhere.
So, if you ever wonder why I feel more than I should emotionally or expect more of myself than possible the above is why. These are not negative things!!! I would not be who I am now if not for this. I will never forget my friend and I always be grateful to him for shaping me into who I am. For it is not the easy things in life that help us develop, but it the hard and the rough times that polish us and smooth our edges. Without them we could not be turned into the priceless jewels that we are.
Finally, in honor of my friend I continue to visit him on his birthday every year. However, this year I was quite ill and have not been able to get out there yet. In an act
of remembrance and gratitude for not only his friendship but also for his continuing contribution to my life I carry him with me always...tucked right behind my ear.
Love love!
So, in my therapy session tonight I am going way back into my past to bring to light some fun memories and some sad that I feel have contributed to making me the person I am today.
I was born the 4th of 6 children. I have 2 older sisters, 1 older brother, and 2 younger brothers. My oldest sister is 8 years my senior and my other sister is 4 years my senior. My brothers and I are all very close in age, and growing up they were my best friends. My sisters loved me, but let's face it, I was just a snot nosed, whiney little sister who more than likely wrecked all their treasures. The result from this lack of female companionship and primary male companionship resulted in an uncanny ability to make friends with the opposite sex. Thus, my first childhood friends, outside of my brothers and their friends, were boys. There were 2 boys in particular that I was very close with. One of those boys was Clayton.
This is my story with Clayton: We first met in kindergarten. I will be truly honest and admit that he was also my first schoolgirl crush. Clayton and I and our other companion used to get into all sorts of trouble. I never got punished for it though...perhaps it was my doey eyes and winning charm, or simply the fact that I was a girl and it was much easier to punish the boys. Either way those boys got the worst of it. I would get sent to my desk while they would get booted into the corner or pulled down the hall by their ears. Hoagie Day seemed to be the worst! Anyways, we were very close and even after I started getting some girl friends around grades 2 and 3 we remained inseparable.
On September 7, 1992 we returned home late from a trip to my grandma's house. It seemed that the moment we walked in the door the phone rang and my mom went to get it. Now, my usual custom on returning from my grandma's was to put my knees on one set of stairs and my chin on another set and fall asleep. On this night though I was somehow awake and went up to my room and put on my nightgown. As I was just about dressed for my bed my mom came in the room and said that it was my "aunt Bev" who had called. She then proceeded to tell me that Clayton had been killed in a hunting accident. I don't remember a whole lot that night other than balling into my mother's shoulder. Clayton would have turned 10 in three days. His birthday present was to be a new pair of cowboy boots. He still got the boots but they were instead used as vases on top of his casket.
At this point you may be wondering how this is therapeutic. This is how: I was 9 years old at the time and my best friend had just been killed in a very tragic accident. The experiences of the young are carried with them forever and help form who they will become. This particular experience had a tremendous effect on an already overlysensitive child. To this day this incident brings tears to my eyes and snot to my nose. If only you could see me right now! Also, I learned the gift of life at a young age and how fragile it is. I was left with this idea that we need to be good to everyone becuase who knows what will happen to us or to them tomorrow. I feel much deeper than I believe I would have, but I also have a deep sense of a life beyond this one. The idea of a life beyond this one has always frightened me to the point that I have tried extra hard to make sure I didn't end up in a hot, fiery, dungeon somewhere.
So, if you ever wonder why I feel more than I should emotionally or expect more of myself than possible the above is why. These are not negative things!!! I would not be who I am now if not for this. I will never forget my friend and I always be grateful to him for shaping me into who I am. For it is not the easy things in life that help us develop, but it the hard and the rough times that polish us and smooth our edges. Without them we could not be turned into the priceless jewels that we are.
Finally, in honor of my friend I continue to visit him on his birthday every year. However, this year I was quite ill and have not been able to get out there yet. In an act
of remembrance and gratitude for not only his friendship but also for his continuing contribution to my life I carry him with me always...tucked right behind my ear.Love love!
Just Rambling
So...not really too sure what to write. I really just wanted to rant. I am beginning to think I have a tattoo on my forehead that says "casual friend." Apparently I am hard to take seriously as someone to talk to AND cuddle with. I have discovered that guys either want to just kiss me or just need me to help them get through something. Ok, so what's the deal? Hoya, girls? What the freak do we have to do in order to be wanted for all we have to offer? Here is my checklist of attributes you must have in order to be "wanted."
1. Size 4 waist at the most
2. Luscious lips and huge eyes framed in long, dark lashes
3. Eccentric style
4. Play in a band or at least just play an instrument
5. Be compassionate
6. Be made of stone - body and emotions
7. Be a tomboy
8. Be feminine
9. Low maintenance
10. Smart, smart, smart...like super smart
11. Not too smart
12. Carefree and ambitious
13. Focused and goal oriented
14. Independent and strong
15. Doormat
K I am exhausted! My list goes on and on, but I think you catch my drift. It is so contradictory and impossible. It reminds me of that scene in Pride and Prejudice where Caroline Bingley is taling about what makes an accomplished woman and then Mr. Darcy pipes in and gives his two bits. Elizabeth Bennett then goes on to say that she has certainly never met anyone like that before and that "she would certainly be a fiercesome creature to behold." That is exactly how I feel! Way to go Jane Austen...you were WAY ahead of your time! So...the secret...be who you are and go for what you want. Live for yourself and no one else. Take care of you and be who you want to be. The only acceptance you need is your own! Trying to be someone else and measure up to someone else is impossible...so don't do it.
The thing that I always fall into is that I start to gain confidence and someone becomes attracted to me. So, we date and very shortly after the confidence falls away. I change and become who I think they want me to be...so not attractive. Now my goal is to never change for anyone but myself. Unfortunately in order to do that I have had to be a little more defensive and I definitely come off hard. It will all get sorted though...I just need to get comfortable in my own skin.
Yay!!!
Love love
1. Size 4 waist at the most
2. Luscious lips and huge eyes framed in long, dark lashes
3. Eccentric style
4. Play in a band or at least just play an instrument
5. Be compassionate
6. Be made of stone - body and emotions
7. Be a tomboy
8. Be feminine
9. Low maintenance
10. Smart, smart, smart...like super smart
11. Not too smart
12. Carefree and ambitious
13. Focused and goal oriented
14. Independent and strong
15. Doormat
K I am exhausted! My list goes on and on, but I think you catch my drift. It is so contradictory and impossible. It reminds me of that scene in Pride and Prejudice where Caroline Bingley is taling about what makes an accomplished woman and then Mr. Darcy pipes in and gives his two bits. Elizabeth Bennett then goes on to say that she has certainly never met anyone like that before and that "she would certainly be a fiercesome creature to behold." That is exactly how I feel! Way to go Jane Austen...you were WAY ahead of your time! So...the secret...be who you are and go for what you want. Live for yourself and no one else. Take care of you and be who you want to be. The only acceptance you need is your own! Trying to be someone else and measure up to someone else is impossible...so don't do it.
The thing that I always fall into is that I start to gain confidence and someone becomes attracted to me. So, we date and very shortly after the confidence falls away. I change and become who I think they want me to be...so not attractive. Now my goal is to never change for anyone but myself. Unfortunately in order to do that I have had to be a little more defensive and I definitely come off hard. It will all get sorted though...I just need to get comfortable in my own skin.
Yay!!!
Love love
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Icing on the Cake
I have probably the craziest story you have ever heard! Let this be a testament to you of the kind of people I choose to date. Boys have always been able to deceive me. I tend to think that they are all nice and sweet and perfect, because that is what I choose to see. It doesn't take too long before I start to realize things about them...things that seem off. I choose to ignore it though because I am naive and try to trust people. You know how there are some people who try to see the best in people...I am one of those people. Well it turns out that my last boyfriend invented a whole alterego in order to check up on me. He made up a whole person on facebook saying that we met once. After we broke up he continued to contact me as this other person. He changed his phone number and everything! The best part is that I suspected that it was my boyfriend at the time and now ex the whole time! Finally I had to call him out on it. I just couldn't believe it!!! Please let me know if you have anything you would like to add.
Love love
Love love
Monday, August 23, 2010
Oh Happy Day!
Ok...so it is not this day in particular that is happy...although it was a good day today. I am just a little slow at writing about things. However, on this night, or shall I say early morning, I am unable to sleep and am reflecting on the many happinesses I have experienced. So, let's recap the wonderful things that have happened in the last year. I have been working at a hospital as an NA while I am in school to become an RN. I love my job! Sure I get left to deal with the stinky jobs...literally...but I still get to do a lot of worthwhile things (if you ever work in healthcare you will quickly learn how significant pooping is). It has been so exciting for me to get more familiar with the services I will be providing and having an affirmation that this is the field to which I am best suited and will find the most satisfaction. In addition, to be honest, it has given a small head start in school. That's happy! My oldest sister got pregnant and had a beautiful and perfect baby boy on May 19. To this date I have never been happier about anything in my life! Also, my youngest brother got engaged! He is a wonderful example of integrity, independence, and self security. I look up to him so much, and for that I feel slightly ashamed. It should be the other way around. I should have acted as an example to him. However what's done is done and nothing else to say about it other than "such is life" (a very favorite saying of my own). I find it remarkable that he found someone to spend eternity with who truly deserves him. That is the best part...she really does deserve him! So, this is my final happy story of the year...I am gonna have another sister! In my opinion the more the merrier, especially when they are so sweet, cute, caring, and genuine. My new sister is a VERY welcome addition to our family. Family is so wonderful and I feel so blessed to have such a large one.
I have to just point something out. I have had more than four happinesses this year. I am not a dull individual!!!
Now, at this time I am once again going to close my eyes and try to drift off into that wonderful land of dreaming where I hope to pass some hours in deep and restful slumber. It has been awhile though, so wish me luck!
Love love
I have to just point something out. I have had more than four happinesses this year. I am not a dull individual!!!
Now, at this time I am once again going to close my eyes and try to drift off into that wonderful land of dreaming where I hope to pass some hours in deep and restful slumber. It has been awhile though, so wish me luck!
Love love
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Words of Wisdom
Top 10 signs you should ditch a guy:
10. He never apologizes when he is an ass to you.
9. He is an ass to you.
8. He tells you he has a lot of money...he doesn't...he's just trying to impress you...or compensate for something.
7. He throws a phone at you.
6. He lies to you a lot!
5. He lies to you.
4. He only hangs out with you when you will buy him something.
3. He tells you that you should join a gym...hell he says he will even pay for it.
2. You have a strange suspicion he is seeing other girl(s).
...and the number one sign you should ditch a guy...
1. Everyone tells you that you are too good for him...they are right...the best part is that you have known it all along!
Seriously ladies...you know what you deserve, so don't settle for anything less! Ya it might suck to be alone but trust me it would be worse to be with someone who doesn't deserve you. You would be miserable. I thought I would be married by 22 at the latest, but I am so glad I'm not! I look at the people that I have dated, and especially the ones I thought I could spend the rest of my life with, and I know that I could not have been happy with them. Being alone has really allowed me to explore the things that I really want and need. I have come to discover that being alone is a good time for me to travel, work, have adventures, learn all sorts of new things, and truly become educated. There is no way I knew myself at 22...I still don't know myself and I'm 27 now! I am excited to get married, but I am more excited to have life experiences first. I believe that through my experiences I am being molded into the person I will truly love and be happy with. I cannot be happy with someone and love someone until I truly love myself. In turn, I cannot be loved the way I deserve until I love and respect myself. That is true happiness...I can wait for that!!!
Love love
10. He never apologizes when he is an ass to you.
9. He is an ass to you.
8. He tells you he has a lot of money...he doesn't...he's just trying to impress you...or compensate for something.
7. He throws a phone at you.
6. He lies to you a lot!
5. He lies to you.
4. He only hangs out with you when you will buy him something.
3. He tells you that you should join a gym...hell he says he will even pay for it.
2. You have a strange suspicion he is seeing other girl(s).
...and the number one sign you should ditch a guy...
1. Everyone tells you that you are too good for him...they are right...the best part is that you have known it all along!
Seriously ladies...you know what you deserve, so don't settle for anything less! Ya it might suck to be alone but trust me it would be worse to be with someone who doesn't deserve you. You would be miserable. I thought I would be married by 22 at the latest, but I am so glad I'm not! I look at the people that I have dated, and especially the ones I thought I could spend the rest of my life with, and I know that I could not have been happy with them. Being alone has really allowed me to explore the things that I really want and need. I have come to discover that being alone is a good time for me to travel, work, have adventures, learn all sorts of new things, and truly become educated. There is no way I knew myself at 22...I still don't know myself and I'm 27 now! I am excited to get married, but I am more excited to have life experiences first. I believe that through my experiences I am being molded into the person I will truly love and be happy with. I cannot be happy with someone and love someone until I truly love myself. In turn, I cannot be loved the way I deserve until I love and respect myself. That is true happiness...I can wait for that!!!
Love love
Words of Wisdom
So, I have decided to add two new series to my blog. One is titled "The Things You Don't Know About Me Could Fill A Book." The other is "Words of Wisdsom." They are designed to show a bit more of who I am and to let others learn from my experiences. They are meant to be satirical...a big part of my sense of humor. Yet they do still deliver a message about who I am and all that I know. Enjoy!!!
Love love
Love love
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Why Blog?
This is my very first blog. Why am I doing this? I could just write in a journal all the things that I want to say. But, I guess I just feel like this way I am bouncing my ideas off others. That always helps me to make sense of things. So, here I am, talking to a silent audience. I hope that in some small way the struggles I have with my identity can help others who might also be struggling, because I know there are a lot of us. I have found a way to feel peace and security with just being myself.
Now you may be wondering why I chose to name my blog "Shades of Nature." Then again, you might not. I am going to tell you either way though. I came up with the title through a favorite quote of mine by Emily Bronte; "I'll walk where my own nature would be leading, it vexes me to choose another guide." I particularly like this quote because I have gone through the motions for years; I have been doing things for the sake of doing them without knowing why, other than that it was expected of me. Lately I have come to realize more of my own nature, and in turn I have been able to let it lead me. Also, I have come to realize that life is not black and white, but it has all sorts of shades. I am happy to say that I love the many wonderful and glorious shades of my nature.
Love love
Now you may be wondering why I chose to name my blog "Shades of Nature." Then again, you might not. I am going to tell you either way though. I came up with the title through a favorite quote of mine by Emily Bronte; "I'll walk where my own nature would be leading, it vexes me to choose another guide." I particularly like this quote because I have gone through the motions for years; I have been doing things for the sake of doing them without knowing why, other than that it was expected of me. Lately I have come to realize more of my own nature, and in turn I have been able to let it lead me. Also, I have come to realize that life is not black and white, but it has all sorts of shades. I am happy to say that I love the many wonderful and glorious shades of my nature.
Love love
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