This is so Totally Cheesy!

Ok, so I was having this bad night quite awhile ago and was thinking a lot about my kids and how I didn't want them to go through some of the same emotions I have. By my kids I mean my nieces and my nephews. They are the most important people/things in my life and I think about them a lot. I wrote them this little note with no intention of ever showing them, but for some reason I want to share it with everyone else? Don't ask because I have no reason why.

To my Kids: Don’t Wait for the Rain

To all who read this: don’t ever take anything for granted! I cannot stress to you how important this is. If I could take each one of you aside and teach you one lesson it would be what I have stated. I want you to understand that everything can be taken from you in a heartbeat. I want you to love God with all your heart and I want you to find your strength.

As I write this I am sitting in a room by myself with tears streaming down my face. I have taken so much for granted and I wish that I had learned this lesson much earlier in life. There is so much power in life, in our physical makeup and in our souls. There is so much majesty in God’s creations. There is no feeling equal to standing at the top of a mountain looking down upon a white paradise and seeing the hand of God in the beauty of every tree and slope and white flake. I love waking up in the morning and knowing that I am going to have the energy and strength and health to make it through the day.

If I could do all my days over again I would spend less time worrying about myself and more time enjoying life. Pain and heartbreak come, but I say bring them on. Feeling means knowing that you are alive! Instead of regretting the choices I made that led to my heartbreak I would be grateful that I was able to feel that. Pain teaches us lessons. It defines the corners of our rough, dull souls and smoothes and polishes them into a precious stone. Pain makes us who we are and we have the choice to become bitter and close ourselves off to the world or to grow and strengthen our character. If we choose the latter then we will still feel pain, but we also open ourselves up to everlasting joy.

Enjoy the sounds and the smells that surround you. One day these simple things may be taken away from you and you never know how much you will miss them. Every day we go through life oblivious to the small and tender mercies given by God. I think that is why I love the smell of rain. I feel like God is washing the earth and the scent that accompanies a fresh rain is the smell of that cleansing. By doing this God is letting us know that he is here. If I could do it over again I would take the time to enjoy the splendor of all nature instead of just waiting for the rain.

Enjoy being tired. I don’t sleep; mostly because I spend my nights thinking about things that I cannot change. I think about you. I think about how much I love you. You are my entire world. I think about my mistakes and my accomplishments. I used to get so angry because I would wake up so tired and worn out. I am coming to realize that now is the time to enjoy every moment that I have. There will be plenty of time to sleep. Life is so short and there is so much to accomplish.

I cannot look back and say that my life to this point has been a great success, but I can look back and say that I have loved the best I could. Kids, do not judge because if you do then you are going to miss out on some great friends. I know! I almost missed out on the best friend I ever had. Be open and tolerant to everyone. I have found that the key to this is to love God. We all have a gift that we were given when we left the presence of our Heavenly Father. He blessed us with the ability to be like Him. If we truly understand this then we know that we can love like God. His love is eternal, all encompassing, freely available, unconditional, and deep. God does not recognize race or gender; all He sees is the soul that He created. Oh my kids, if you love God you will strengthen your relationship with Him. In so doing you will become closer to Him and can become more like Him. Then you can love like Him. I need to tell you that you cannot measure the greatness of your life by how well you were loved but by how well you loved others (I read that somewhere and really liked it). Give all you have to those you love and to those who need your love. Lose yourselves. Lose yourselves in love and service to others.

It takes strength to cast aside our own fears in order to help others. It needs to be done though. Life is hard and it’s so easy to get caught up in it. It’s easy to look at ourselves and say it’s not fair, but things can always be worse. Turn to those who need you and you will see what I mean. You will have struggles, but embrace them. Take everything that life hands you, smile and laugh, and throw it right back.

There are always going to be forces working against you. Learn now and learn young how to overcome them. They are never going to stop, so get a head start. You will learn about people in life who changed the world. Become like them and be strong. Love yourselves and realize the great gift that lies within your soul; a fighting spirit. You are all worth all the love in the world. Embrace the greatness that was given to you.

Don’t be like me! I realized too late the worth that was given to me. I have spent too much time doubting myself. I can no longer understand why I did that. I have a soul that fights. I am full of love and strength; even if I am the only one who knows it. However, you never know the impact that you have on those around you. So, in the face of difficulty be who you were made to be. Keep moving and don’t ever find yourselves waiting for the rain.

Love love

Words of Wisdom

Ok we all know this person...the guy (or girl) who is in a relationship but who is constantly flirting with anything that has breasts and wears a skirt. We all wonder what the deal with that person is and I will tell you exactly what it is. They love the attention! Obviously the relationship is not satisfying them and they don't have the guts to end it, so they just take whatever they can get outside of it.

There is a guy from work who is like this. He is super flirty with me and sometimes I think he likes me. He calls to check up on me if I don't see him for awhile and we even meet for lunch from time to time. The guy has a girlfriend!!! I realize that doesn't say much about me that I like hanging around him and getting the attention from him. I have liked him for awhile, but I would never do anything about it while he is in a relationship. I have come to the point though where the whole thing bugs me so much that I would NEVER let anything happen. Still, I am way less than impressed with myself. I hate that I allowed someone to put me in a potentially compromising positon of my integrity AND my confidence. What kind of person does that to his girlfriend first of all, and then to a friend second. Then I come to find out that I am not the only girl that he is like this with! Are you kidding me! This just repulsed me! Needless to say I don't even have the desire to be his friend anymore.

So, to anyone who is in the position where they have feelings for someone who is in a relationship but is super flirty with you I say RUN! Don't let them in. Ya you can secretly fantasize that one day they will realize how wonderful you are and that the person of their dreams has been there the whole time. Just realize that they aren't the person of your dreams! How could they be? First of all they obviously haven't yet grown any balls and are still stuck in a junior high adolescence. Second, deep down inside you kow you feel bad for his girlfriend and that the whole situation is messed up. You and her deserve better than that! Besides, if he is gonna be like that with her then he will be like that with you too. You are better thant that! The man of your dreams will have eyes only for you!

Love love

It's official...I'm seeing things!

I have hit a whole new low with my baking. I ended up just getting a couple hours of sleep last night because I was too busy baking cinammon buns!

Whenever someone from work has a birthday or they quit I bake a special treat for them...whatever their favorite is. Well, Duane is leaving and he is one of my long time work pals (because we have both been there forever...and he's awesome), so I wanted to make him some cinammon buns. I started after work last night...around 11:30. I forgot to add the sugar to my yeast mixture but didn't figure that out till after a couple hours. I found myself at the gas station just down the street at 2am buying milk so I could start over again. I went to bed for a couple hours while they were rising and then I was up and back at it again. I let them rise a little longer than usual and they taste amazing! They literally just melt in your mouth!

Anyways, so at work today I was exhausted! I had this headache and pain behind my eyes, and I felt really lightheaded all day. Then around 6pm I was walking into the kitchen and I swore I saw someone in front of me. There was no one there!!! I had put my arms and knee up, my head down, and screamed (just a little scream). Man did I feel like an idiot when there was no one there.

Then I was bringing the bill and some mints up to one of my tables and I thought I was dropping one of the mints. I was scrambling to catch it, but when I looked they were all in my hand safe and sound. My table got a little show out of that!

So, now I am at home to have a little nap before wings tonight. I am so excited!!!

Love love 

I Found A Friend!

I am so excited! I have been planning this trip to South East Asia...mostly Thailand...and the girl I was going to go with decided she can't go anymore. So, I was set to go all by myself. Now I don't have to. Another friend of mine is super excited about it and has said that she will for sure go with me!!! I can't wait! We are going for May and June and are flying into Bali. From there we will go to a few other islands in Indonesia and then off to Malaysia, then Cambodia, and finally Thailand! While in Thailand we will be staying in a couple monasteries. I would really like to stay in a Mahayana one and a Theravada one. We will see how it goes. I have one lined up already that is an all female one, but I would really like to get every experience possible and stay in a coed one too. It's gonna be great...up at 5am for meditation and yoga. No, seriously it is gonna be great! I have been wanting to do this for years and I am so excited that it is finally going to happen. I wish I could stay there and not come back, but school comes first. Once I am done though I would love to buy a house in Bali and then I can go whenever I want and tour some more. We will see how that goes cause I also want to buy a cabin at echo and a house in Greece. Plus, my friend that is coming with me wants us to go to South America the next year. She thinks it would be awesome to have a place down there too. You never know...maybe I will stay single and just work and work most of the year so that I can buy houses all over the world and vacation for a month or two. Hey, a girl can dream can't she!!!

P.S. You are all welcome to stay in any of my properties at any time.

Love love

Why My Tummy Is Soooo Big

I think I gained 30 pounds today! Not really, obviously, but I sure feel like it. Let me give you a little overview of my day today so you understand. First you have to know that yesterday I was REALLY tired! I didn't sleep much on Sunday night...as you may tell from my blog that night. I think I got 2 1/2 hours...tops. I had to work at the hospital at 7am, which means that I have to be up 5 am if I wanna do my yoga. Needless to say I turned my snooze on until 6 am. I worked till 3 pm and then it was off to the restaurant. I start there at 4, so I got there around 3:30 and had something to eat. Then I started work and left there around 10:30. I was exhausted. I had just done an almost 16 hour day on hardly any sleep. I do a lot of days like that, but I usually have a little more sleep than that. Plus, I have been sick for a week and a half now so that didn't make it any better. So, by the time I got home I was overtired and couldn't sleep till just after 1 am. Now it is on to my actual day today.

Today I woke up at 11:25. Guess what time I had to work this morning. 11:00. So, I hopped in the shower, combed my hair and brushed my teeth. I was out the door at 11:40...without having anything to eat. Work was busy so I couldn't snack on anything. I finally got around to eating at 3:30. I was so starving by this time that I decided to order something super unhealthy and amazingly delicious! I put my order in for chicken parm (which I have commented on several times that it is the size of my head) with a side of radiatore alfredo and vegetables. When this thing came out it was HUGE! I totally porked on it. Oh the rich, creamy goodness that I could feel expanding my stomach with every bite. I worked for a few more hours and then met up with my roommate and a very good (also shockingly beautiful and teeny tiny) friend...for dinner! I wasn't very hungry and was feeling slightly bloated so I just helped out with the lemon pepper calamari and bread, and then I only ordered an 8 oz tenderloin. This tenderloin, though slightly overcooked, was so tender I could cut it with my fork. It was topped with a gooseberry demi glaze and was served with butter smooth mashed potatoes, carrots and green beans. Heaven! How could I possibly not eat the whole thing?! And, afterwards, how could I possibly not order pistachio gelato? My stomach has never been so satiated and yet so annoyed with me. It is screaming at me to go for a jog or something.

I have to admit that this whole overeating scenario is not a new thing for me. It's hard when you super love food, work in a restaurant that has amazing food, and know the hidden gems of Lethbridge. Yes, believe it or not but Lethbridge has some very different and wonderfully tasty places to eat...you just have to have the in. Oh ya, and I love to bake. I could honestly do it all day. There is something to be said about that whole thing regarding finding something you like to do and turning it into a career. If I could open up a bakery and actually make money at it I would be so happy. As it is I will just have to settle for making myself, my friends, and coworkers fat. It is actually amusing when I bring my baking into the hospital because I either get smiles and "yes!" or I get rolling eyes and "Callie I hate you!"

I say these things to myself though. When I wake up in the morning and make myself some peanut butter chocolate chip cookie dough for breakfast I am saying "yay!," but then I have the day where I have a cookie breakfast followed by a cinammon bun lunch and then top it off with a butterscotch brownie supper and I say "Callie I hate you!" This kind of day also happened when I got home from my visit to Victoria and ate a whole pan of cinammon buns. My roommate and my same shockingly gorgeous friend I previously mentioned have both threatened to take my Kitchenaid away. Mostly because she dreads having to clean my roommate and I with a rag on a stick when we become so grossly obese that we cannot bathe ourselves!

My tasty cinammon buns and my kitchenaid...where all the magic is performed (I know the picture is sideways but I couldn't figure out how to turn it after I uploaded it and I couldn't delete it either to turn it first and then upload it again). I actually think my recipe book is open to the cookie dough brownie recipe I was going to make for breakfast the other day...alas I couldn't because I was out of M&Ms. My kitchenaid is one of my prized possessions. It is a 5 QT pro series with 10 speed control in licorice black. I'm one of those weird girls who get super excited about kitchen appliances. I love my kettle too...one of my favorite birthday presents (ya it is what I asked for).

Anyways, that is why my stomach is so big!

Love love

Foreword of the Book I Will One Day Publish

K ya, so I know I just posted on here a couple hours ago. Today has been a rather trying day. Let me rephrase that...today has been a rather snotty day! I mean that literally and not in the sense of a behavior of some high and mighty. All at once the pressures of the world came crashing down and all my weaknesses, shortcomings, and flaws came stampeding to the surface. I have been laying (lying?...Jenna) in my bed for hours now trying to fall asleep so that I may enter into some sort of peace of mind. Now, I do not have the gift of writing that my darling, amazing, and beloved sister has, but I do find it therapeutic to sit down and write when thoughts are racing through my head.



So, in my therapy session tonight I am going way back into my past to bring to light some fun memories and some sad that I feel have contributed to making me the person I am today.



I was born the 4th of 6 children. I have 2 older sisters, 1 older brother, and 2 younger brothers. My oldest sister is 8 years my senior and my other sister is 4 years my senior. My brothers and I are all very close in age, and growing up they were my best friends. My sisters loved me, but let's face it, I was just a snot nosed, whiney little sister who more than likely wrecked all their treasures. The result from this lack of female companionship and primary male companionship resulted in an uncanny ability to make friends with the opposite sex. Thus, my first childhood friends, outside of my brothers and their friends, were boys. There were 2 boys in particular that I was very close with. One of those boys was Clayton.



This is my story with Clayton: We first met in kindergarten. I will be truly honest and admit that he was also my first schoolgirl crush. Clayton and I and our other companion used to get into all sorts of trouble. I never got punished for it though...perhaps it was my doey eyes and winning charm, or simply the fact that I was a girl and it was much easier to punish the boys. Either way those boys got the worst of it. I would get sent to my desk while they would get booted into the corner or pulled down the hall by their ears. Hoagie Day seemed to be the worst! Anyways, we were very close and even after I started getting some girl friends around grades 2 and 3 we remained inseparable.



On September 7, 1992 we returned home late from a trip to my grandma's house. It seemed that the moment we walked in the door the phone rang and my mom went to get it. Now, my usual custom on returning from my grandma's was to put my knees on one set of stairs and my chin on another set and fall asleep. On this night though I was somehow awake and went up to my room and put on my nightgown. As I was just about dressed for my bed my mom came in the room and said that it was my "aunt Bev" who had called. She then proceeded to tell me that Clayton had been killed in a hunting accident. I don't remember a whole lot that night other than balling into my mother's shoulder. Clayton would have turned 10 in three days. His birthday present was to be a new pair of cowboy boots. He still got the boots but they were instead used as vases on top of his casket.



At this point you may be wondering how this is therapeutic. This is how: I was 9 years old at the time and my best friend had just been killed in a very tragic accident. The experiences of the young are carried with them forever and help form who they will become. This particular experience had a tremendous effect on an already overlysensitive child. To this day this incident brings tears to my eyes and snot to my nose. If only you could see me right now! Also, I learned the gift of life at a young age and how fragile it is. I was left with this idea that we need to be good to everyone becuase who knows what will happen to us or to them tomorrow. I feel much deeper than I believe I would have, but I also have a deep sense of a life beyond this one. The idea of a life beyond this one has always frightened me to the point that I have tried extra hard to make sure I didn't end up in a hot, fiery, dungeon somewhere.



So, if you ever wonder why I feel more than I should emotionally or expect more of myself than possible the above is why. These are not negative things!!! I would not be who I am now if not for this. I will never forget my friend and I always be grateful to him for shaping me into who I am. For it is not the easy things in life that help us develop, but it the hard and the rough times that polish us and smooth our edges. Without them we could not be turned into the priceless jewels that we are.



Finally, in honor of my friend I continue to visit him on his birthday every year. However, this year I was quite ill and have not been able to get out there yet. In an act of remembrance and gratitude for not only his friendship but also for his continuing contribution to my life I carry him with me always...tucked right behind my ear.


Love love!

Just Rambling

So...not really too sure what to write. I really just wanted to rant. I am beginning to think I have a tattoo on my forehead that says "casual friend." Apparently I am hard to take seriously as someone to talk to AND cuddle with. I have discovered that guys either want to just kiss me or just need me to help them get through something. Ok, so what's the deal? Hoya, girls? What the freak do we have to do in order to be wanted for all we have to offer? Here is my checklist of attributes you must have in order to be "wanted."

1. Size 4 waist at the most
2. Luscious lips and huge eyes framed in long, dark lashes
3. Eccentric style
4. Play in a band or at least just play an instrument
5. Be compassionate
6. Be made of stone - body and emotions
7. Be a tomboy
8. Be feminine
9. Low maintenance
10. Smart, smart, smart...like super smart
11. Not too smart
12. Carefree and ambitious
13. Focused and goal oriented
14. Independent and strong
15. Doormat

K I am exhausted! My list goes on and on, but I think you catch my drift. It is so contradictory and impossible. It reminds me of that scene in Pride and Prejudice where Caroline Bingley is taling about what makes an accomplished woman and then Mr. Darcy pipes in and gives his two bits. Elizabeth Bennett then goes on to say that she has certainly never met anyone like that before and that "she would certainly be a fiercesome creature to behold." That is exactly how I feel! Way to go Jane Austen...you were WAY ahead of your time! So...the secret...be who you are and go for what you want. Live for yourself and no one else. Take care of you and be who you want to be. The only acceptance you need is your own! Trying to be someone else and measure up to someone else is impossible...so don't do it.

The thing that I always fall into is that I start to gain confidence and someone becomes attracted to me. So, we date and very shortly after the confidence falls away. I change and become who I think they want me to be...so not attractive. Now my goal is to never change for anyone but myself. Unfortunately in order to do that I have had to be a little more defensive and I definitely come off hard. It will all get sorted though...I just need to get comfortable in my own skin.

Yay!!!

Love love

The Icing on the Cake

I have probably the craziest story you have ever heard! Let this be a testament to you of the kind of people I choose to date. Boys have always been able to deceive me. I tend to think that they are all nice and sweet and perfect, because that is what I choose to see. It doesn't take too long before I start to realize things about them...things that seem off. I choose to ignore it though because I am naive and try to trust people. You know how there are some people who try to see the best in people...I am one of those people. Well it turns out that my last boyfriend invented a whole alterego in order to check up on me. He made up a whole person on facebook saying that we met once. After we broke up he continued to contact me as this other person. He changed his phone number and everything! The best part is that I suspected that it was my boyfriend at the time and now ex the whole time! Finally I had to call him out on it. I just couldn't believe it!!! Please let me know if you have anything you would like to add.

Love love